Therapy How to Help Someone Who Just Had a Family Member Die
Information technology'southward common to experience broken-hearted and intimidated in the "grief support" function. This is one of the reasons why otherwise caring people sometimes say hurtful, minimizing, or unhelpful things to their bereaved loved ones and why they sometimes avoid their grieving friends and family members altogether. Hopefully, if nothing else, all of you reading this later on Googling "how to back up a grieving friend" volition accept solace knowing your fear is normal and (likely) non indicative of a personal problem.
Last calendar month several of the people I love experienced the death of someonetheybeloved. I sent flowers, I wrote cards, and said "I'll be here if you lot need anything" just overall I felt useless, ineffective, and unhelpful. I knew these friends and family members were inbound the darkness of grief and that all I could actually offer them was timid encouragement and the offering of support.
I started thinking about this reality (and cartoon very bad stick figure cartoons about information technology) and ultimately decided to turn to our readers to enquire fortheirperspective. I posted a question on Facebook and Instagram asking our readers what the best thing any person or people did for them in them in the days, weeks, months, and years after their loss. I expected to become a handful of responses, but instead we received close to 150.
Reading all these responses was an incredibly moving experience and it helped me to realize a few important things.
- There are a lot of awesomely supportive family unit and friends out there.
- The things people find helpful are very specific to who they are every bit people and to their unique circumstances.
- Having a good support system is never virtually any one person proverb or doing the exact right affair. Rather it'south nigh having a network of support people who come together to help in big and small means. And it's the pocket-size gestures that are frequently near appreciated!
I'm sad we can't share all the responses we received, but if y'all desire to read the individual comments you tin go here. Instead nosotros'd like to share a few themes, or principles, that emerged every bit most helpful and supportive to grieving individuals.
1. Send something
In the past we've given flowers a fleck of a bad rap because, while lovely to have at the services, (1) information technology's difficult to know what to practise with them after and (2) flowers die and when they do they smell terrible. The truth is, though, I often send flowers when I feel that it's advisable. If you remember the person would appreciate flowers, or if you recollect that you will be i of the only people who ship them, then ship them.
Now if you get the sense thatmanypeople will send flowers, y'all may want to retrieve outside of the box. Some suggestions that people noted as peculiarly helpful include sending/dropping off:
- Home cooked meals
- Remembrance items
- Food and home staples
- Thoughtful cards and letters
- Gift cards to somewhere practical or cocky-care related
- Items that belonged to the person
- Care box with self-care items
2. Offer practical support
People ofttimes need practical support subsequently the death of a loved 1 for ii reasons (1) because their deceased loved 1 used to handle certain things and fill up certain roles and (2) considering grief makes information technology hard to care most the minutia of day-to-day life. Ask yourself, what might my loved one need help with and what unique skills practice I have to offer? If you find that you aren't the best person to assist fill a potential need, yous might also consider purchasing a gift document so your loved i can hire someone at their own convenience (i.e. a cleaning service or a landscaper).
A few examples of helpful practical back up that were shared include…
When a friend or family fellow member…
- Leant a hand with lilliputian mean solar day-to-mean solar day tasks
- Helped with children or pets
- Helped the bereaved sort through a loved 1's belonging or helped to clean out a house
- Helped with yard work
- Cleaned the house
- Helped with odd jobs around the house
- Taught the person how to handle new tasks and responsibilities (i.e. finances, lawn care, childcare, etc)
- Sent meals
- Gave them a place to stay when they didn't want to stay solitary in their home
- Accompanied them on certain outings
3. Be there
Many people expressed that friends and family "existence there", physically and/or emotionally, was one of the most helpful gifts a person could have given them after their loved one died. To clarify,"beingness at that place" goes beyond a vague and not-comital – "permit me know if yous need annihilation".Let'southward be honest, this is frequently the final phrase someone utters before going MIA on their grieving family member or friend. Not helpful.
Examples of how to "be there" in a real fashionvary, but include some of the following:
When a supportive friend or family member…
- Physically showed up during the bereaved's time of need
- Continued to check in on a regular ground via text message or phone
- Regularly offered a unproblematic "I beloved you" or "I'm thinking of you lot"
- Shared meals with the bereaved when they knew they were struggling to eat alone
- Called just to talk
- Offered a real hug
- Offered a hanky
- Offered sincere and simple words of support and encouragement
4. Help them have a break
One of my favorite grief theories, the Dual Process Model, says that a griever will oscillate betwixt confronting their loss and avoiding the loss. Under this model, seeking respite from grief is a healthy part of coping. This makes sense, right? Sometimes a person needs a little fourth dimension to feel normal or to engage in activities that requite them a boost of positive emotion. This being the case, information technology may be helpful to offer or encourage distraction; with the caveat that you should never push a person to minimize, move on, or forget their loss and with the understanding that their grief could overcome them at any moment (especially in the early days) and thats okay.
Some of the things that people noted as providing positive distraction include….
- Laughter
- Sharing positive memories of their loved one
- Taking them out for a meal
- Taking them to the movies or on other recreational outings
- Accompanying them to parties or other social gatherings
v. Be willing to "go there" with them
Something people often express their appreciation for is having friends and family who are willing to exist present for the sad and uncomfortable moments without trying to fix them and without showing fright, discomfort, or judgment.
Being willing to "get there" with a bereaved individual can mean many things. A few noted examples include…
When friends or family members were willing to…
- Be present for the tears, anger, and outbursts without judgment
- Sit down in silence
- Talk about the person who died – say their name, share memories, bring them up
- Just let the bereaved person weep
- Offering validation and/or normalize the feel
- Truly listen (without trying to offer advice)
- Take the person's grief months and fifty-fifty years later
vi. Don't forget
Function of beingness a supportive family member or friend is understanding that grief is, in many means, a forever matter. Your loved one doesn't just need your support in the immediate backwash of loss, but also in the years to come. Days like anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, Female parent'due south Mean solar day and Father's Twenty-four hours, weddings, and graduations may forever land somewhere on the spectrum of sad to bloodshot.
You tin prove your ongoing support for a grieving loved 1 by doing the following…
- Sending a card or checking in on the days you remember may be difficult
- Recognizing that the sure times of year, like the time of year when their loved one died, may be difficult
- Standing to share memories and to talk about their loved ane
- Continuing to randomly (or regularly) check in with the person
- Acknowledging that happy days may exist somewhat bloodshot
- Acknowledging that the person who died is always with them
Have we missed something? Share your feedback below in the comments section.
Source: https://whatsyourgrief.com/support-grieving-family-member-friend-6-principals/
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